I need to touch on a subject that many for many reasons will have varying opinions, attitudes and responses to….
I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER OR BPD.
Right! you have two choices right now.
- You can grab your children, unfriend me on facebook, unfollow me on twitter, run for the hills screaming, judge, preconceive or say things like…. isn’t that what psychopaths have, look terrified and look for the nearest exit…OR
- You can sit, listen, not judge, take the time to understand something that you know little asbout or have heard various things and like to know first hand from a real experience. You may read this thinking, I have a friend, relative, hell MILKMAN! that has diagnosed too with BPD and you’d like to know how if any anyway you could help them or just have a better understanding of the condition……….SO
Good, you’re with me, I’m so glad.
As we all know mental illness of any kind still unfortunately carries a lot of stigma and myth. I do think the tide is changing with more people supporting and realising that mental Illness IS EXACTLY THAT, AN ILLNESS.
But…when mental illness is given a name like “Borderline personality disorder”( which is frankly misleading in its self) a lot of people presume you are somehow a bad person, a dangerous person, your personality isn’t normal and horribly think you are CRAZY, UNHINGED, MENTAL. All which are dangerous preconceptions in themselves.
I’m here to tell you first hand. I’m not dangerous, horrible, subnormal, unhinged or crazy. Here are My symptoms of BPD.
- I worry about being abandoned by loved ones.
- I have very intense emotions, that can last from a few hours to a few days, and they can change quickly i.e very happy in the morning and by tea time I can feel very low / angry for no reason. This feels very frightening.
- I always having a sense of never quite fitting in, and doubting who I am, what I’m about etc.
- I often act impulsively.
- I can have suicidal thoughts and self harming behaviours.
- I can feel very empty and lonely, even when I’m surrounded by my beautiful family ,friends with a constant feeling of wanting to fill an invisible gap, but never knowing what that gap wants to be filled with.
- When stressed, I do feel paranoid, feel numb and can go into disassociation and “check out” and go very numb.
- Paranoia. terrifying paranoia.
- visual disturbances when stress at an optimum.
- Noise. Noise in my head no one else hear/flashbacks.
On top of this I have depression, anxiety and Post traumatic stress disorder. All bringing their various little bubbles of delight on my daily life!!!
When you have a broken leg, people can see youre unwell, off your feet and probably need some help. No body batts an eyelid that you’ve not done the school run, why would you, you have a broken leg! People offer to bring you and your family a pie, casarole, run the hoover round, take the kids out for a bt to give you some rest.. BECAUSE YOU’VE BROOKEN YOUR LEG AND ARE UNWELL!
When it comes to mental illness, we (I freely include myself in this) don’t know what to do or how to react. We lack the communications skills and language to ask “are you O.k?” a simple question we stumble over, if we are really true to ourselves sometimes we don’t want to know. Too scared of our reaction, we don’t know the right thing to say or do. And to be honest the person suffering from a mental illness dosent know what thry want you to say to them either. How do you admit your life has fallen apart and the simplest of tasks now crucifies you just at the thought. That all around you people are carrying on with their lives, happy in their bubbles, yet in your bubble its raining with an emptiness swallowing you whole as you try to understand your every thought. Every thought that the world would be better without you, if you hurt yourself you”ll some how take the pain of that away, bleed it out of you nearly . Yet you’re a Mum, whoses children need you and many voice how selfish you are even thinking like that. You have no control over these feelings, they become you, take you over and whisper in your ear you are no good and the world and those in it would be so better off with out you causing all this trouble and pain, and the pain, the pain would stop, take that medication check out for good. The mental torture going on in your head that changes its mood so fast you cant even keep up. Trust me Europhia is only a lose comment away from desperation.
Now, having BPD or a new term I prefer is to call it Emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD) isn’t always a bad thing! As we experience intense emotions we can be gregarious sociable people who are fun to be around as usually impulsive, which is an exciting trait for anyone to have. A typical life n soul type person. But we crash down hard.Really hard. The next day can be as black as black, torturing yourself over every word spoken, look that was given, self loathing like you wouldn’t believe, pass the studded whip ill beat myself! Whats the point, why would I want to go out/socialise when my paranoia is turned up to 11! Now blaming Mr6 for every move he made and not knowing my every thought before I even know what I need or am thinking. Paranoid he’ll leave, cause who would want to be with someone like this! WHO?? Vomiting at three in the morning from shear fear, and not even knowing what caused the fear, but knowing its there strangling every last breath out of my body, leaving my body shaking as if I’ve been plunged in an ice pool. ITS NOT FUN.
We’ll leave that there.
I’ve been very lucky to have a wonderfully supportive and understanding husband, children behind me every step of the way. Their support and understanding has been constant. Often envovling my husband sitting up with me all night and I struggle to breath through fear of what is happening to me,tears and unconsolable emptiness. Having to take time off his job to look after and safe guard me from myself. To my children telling me they love me being around more and happy to spend an afternoon snuggling up and readging book, watching films, because mummy cant face the crowds in town today. Or walking in the fields as it s Calm. Obviously we keep the distressed me away from the children as much as we can. But also we explain as much as we can to them. Keep it simple and explaining it much less frightening than keeping things from them. My children know I have to visit the drs a lot and take a lot of medication, but they know its for my mental health and I’m not Physically ill or worse.
So ok, I guess you are still reading and ready to take on a little understanding. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing that. If we begin to understand mental illness and de stigmatise it WE CAN START TO BEAT IT TOGETHER.
yours as always
- List of helpful websites and resources
- Nhs Borderline Personality