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Tonight I’m drinking tea through a straw. Ive been to the dentist you see, and my mouth now feels like its been drilled by a rather horrid metal device, Oh wait it has !
Last week after having the first sip of hot tea of the day brought to me in bed by my darling hubby, a searing pain went through me, and I knew then, this day would come.
I made a prompt appointment and was seen by my dentists, who wanted to do a root canal on that Friday, NO ! I shrieked, I have a cake to Make ! Telling this to your dentist doesn’t seem to go down well, as your sat in their chair asking them to fix a tooth that probably too much cake has destroyed ! After being frowned at for a second or two, I explained that it was my husbands 40th birthday party the next day, and I was expecting any thing between 50-80 people and I needed a cake of course !
So they relented and said I could wait till the Monday after and go and make cake. I promised to make it with fairy dust and not real tooth rotting sugar and leapt out of the chair.
But today I was back. The dentist told me to lie back whilst they numbed it, I thought this was rather forward of them, must be a new relaxation technique! then we they approached me with a big fecking needle, I realised what exactly they had meant !!
Then the drilling, now the high pitched drill I can take. Whilst lying back today, the thought crossed my mind that it sounded like tiny fairies having a real good time if you get my drift, so this is what fairy orgasms sound like ! It made me relax and nearly giggle so it worked for me.
But then, but then, the GRINDER ! The big fecker, that feels like its going to drill through to your brain, that if your face doesn’t shatter into a million pieces first ! Your bones shake, your brain vibrates, or shakes freely about if your me. Can they not Make this tool sound better, come up with a new method to do this kind of drilling. I think it dentist punishing you for harming your pearly whites and they do an evil silent laugh whilst you squeeze your eyes tight shut, so so don’t catch there eye. Meeting someone’s eye that close to your face is just odd ! Thank god they have those face masks on, I don’t want to look up their nostrils thanks, I’m struggling to keep my gag reflex under control as it is !
Then it’s over, they’ve shoved some white dressing stuff back in the tooth, that sounds like boots walking on thick snow, as it get impacted in your failing tooth, you rinse the rest of the crap out, give them back there special glasses, wipe the really attractive drool from your face, and walk out trying to say thank you, (when really you just want to kick them in the shin’s a little)
Then you make your next appointment.
This is done, purely for the humour now of the receptionist, who know that you’ve got to be seen in two weeks, but makes you say it anyways, as they know you can’t talk properly, as your mouth has less movement than Joan rivers face after a fresh dose of Botox ! Then after repeating time scale four times, your next appointment is booked, you can get out of there.
But then if your like me, you will humiliate yourself just a little bit more, whilst you attempt to re apply lipstick, (that was wiped off by the dentist charming latex gloves) whilst having no feeling at all In your lips and just hoping that you are hitting the right place and not going to walk out of there looking more like Coco the clown than Coco Chanel ! And finally you leave to the sound of stifled laughter from the receptionist, and your sure you heard them say coco the clown under their breath.
So now I’m home, the numbness is wearing off and my mouth and face feel battered, constantly scared I’m going to knock the bloody thing out, soup for tea then. My lips are still a little numb and I struggle not to dribble, so hubby produces my tea with a straw ! It’s genius, the straw takes the hot fluid away from the sensitive tooth, and stops me dribbling it back out of my numb mouth. God I’m so attractive right now, come in admit it you would right now right ! So hopefully this does the trick in two weeks or I’LL BE BACK , and have to go through the same bloody thing Again !
Speak to you again soon my lovelies, Jo x

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