BPD…..Find out what it means to me!

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HI!

I need to touch on a subject that many for many reasons will have varying opinions, attitudes and responses to….

I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER OR BPD.

Right! you have two choices right now.

  1. You can grab your children, unfriend me on facebook, unfollow me on twitter, run for the hills screaming, judge, preconceive or say things like…. isn’t that what psychopaths have, look terrified and look for the nearest exit…OR
  2. You can sit, listen, not judge, take the time to understand something that you know little asbout or have heard various things and like to know first hand from a real experience. You may read this thinking, I have a friend, relative, hell MILKMAN! that has diagnosed too with BPD and you’d like to know how if any anyway you could help them or just have a better understanding of the condition……….SO

Good, you’re with me, I’m so glad.

As we all know mental illness of any kind still unfortunately carries a lot of stigma and myth. I do think the tide is changing with more people supporting and realising that mental Illness IS EXACTLY THAT, AN ILLNESS.

But…when mental illness is given a name like “Borderline personality disorder”( which is frankly misleading in its self) a lot of people presume you are somehow a bad person, a dangerous person, your personality isn’t normal and horribly think you are CRAZY, UNHINGED, MENTAL. All which are dangerous preconceptions in themselves.

I’m here to tell you first hand. I’m not dangerous, horrible, subnormal, unhinged or crazy. Here are My symptoms of BPD.

  1. I worry about being abandoned by loved ones.
  2. I have very intense emotions, that can last from a few hours to a few days, and they can  change quickly i.e very happy in the morning and by tea time I can feel very low / angry for no reason. This feels very frightening.
  3. I always having a sense of never quite fitting in, and doubting who I am, what I’m about etc.
  4. I often act impulsively.
  5. I can have suicidal thoughts and self harming behaviours.
  6. I can feel very empty and lonely, even when I’m surrounded by my beautiful family ,friends with a constant feeling of wanting to fill an invisible gap, but never knowing what that gap wants to be filled with.
  7. When stressed, I do feel paranoid, feel numb and can go into disassociation and “check out” and go very numb.
  8. Paranoia. terrifying paranoia.
  9. visual disturbances when stress at an optimum.
  10. Noise. Noise in my head no one else hear/flashbacks.
  11. Nightmares.

On top of this I have depression, anxiety and Post traumatic stress disorder. All bringing their various little bubbles of delight on my daily life!!!

When you have a broken leg, people can see youre unwell, off your feet and probably need some help. No body batts an eyelid that you’ve not done the school run, why would you, you have a broken leg! People offer to bring you and your family a pie, casarole, run the hoover round, take the kids out for a bt to give you some rest.. BECAUSE YOU’VE BROOKEN YOUR LEG AND ARE UNWELL!

When it comes to mental illness, we (I freely include myself in this) don’t know what to do or how to react. We lack the communications skills and language to ask “are you O.k?” a simple question we stumble over, if we are really true to ourselves sometimes we don’t want to know. Too scared of our reaction, we don’t know the right thing to say or do. And to be honest the person suffering from a mental illness dosent know what thry want you to say to them either. How do you admit your life has fallen apart and the simplest of tasks now crucifies you just at the thought. That all around you people are carrying on with their lives, happy in their bubbles, yet in your bubble its raining with an emptiness swallowing you whole as you try to understand your every thought. Every thought that the world would be better without you,  if you hurt yourself you”ll some how take the pain of that away, bleed it out of you nearly . Yet you’re a Mum, whoses children need you and many voice how selfish you are even thinking like that. You have no control over these feelings, they become you, take you over and whisper in your ear you are no good and the world and those in it would be so better off with out you causing all this trouble and pain, and the pain, the pain would stop, take that medication check out for good. The mental torture going on in your head that changes its mood so fast you cant even keep up. Trust me Europhia is only a lose comment away from desperation.

Now, having BPD or a new  term I prefer is to call it Emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD) isn’t always a bad thing! As we experience intense emotions we can be gregarious sociable people who are fun to be around as usually impulsive, which is an exciting trait for anyone to have. A typical life n soul type person. But we crash down hard.Really hard. The next day can be as black as black, torturing yourself over every word spoken, look that was given, self loathing like you wouldn’t believe, pass the studded whip ill beat myself! Whats the point, why would I want to go out/socialise when my paranoia is turned up to 11! Now blaming Mr6 for every move he made and not knowing my every thought before I even know what I need or am thinking. Paranoid he’ll leave, cause who would want to be with someone like this! WHO?? Vomiting at three in the morning from shear fear, and not even knowing what caused the fear, but knowing its there strangling every last breath out of my body, leaving my body shaking as if I’ve been plunged in an ice pool. ITS NOT FUN.

We’ll leave that there.

 

I’ve been very lucky to have a wonderfully supportive and understanding husband, children behind me every step of the way. Their support and understanding has been constant. Often envovling my husband sitting up with me all night and I struggle to breath through fear of what is happening to me,tears and unconsolable emptiness. Having to take time off his job to look after and safe guard me from myself. To my children telling me they love me being around more and happy to spend an afternoon snuggling up and readging book, watching films, because mummy cant face the crowds in town today. Or walking in the fields as it s Calm. Obviously we keep the distressed me away from the children as much as we can. But also we explain as much as we can to them. Keep it simple and explaining it much less frightening than keeping things from them. My children know I have to visit the drs a lot and take a lot of medication, but they know its for my mental health and I’m not Physically ill or worse.

So ok, I guess you are still reading and ready to take on a little understanding. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing that. If we begin to understand mental illness and de stigmatise it WE CAN START TO BEAT IT TOGETHER.

 

yours as always

Jo x

 

Mind Borderline personality info and help

BPDWORLD

The Samaritans

Bpd Survival Guide (book) I use this a lot!

 

 

 

 

 

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In The Shadows ; my first chapter

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Hi

How’ve you been?

Me?

Not too good, but I’m so glad to have some time to start blogging again.

I’m not ready to start talking about how I’ve been yet. Its been a very hard time and I’m still trying to make sense of it all myself. I have a very good support network and getting the help I need.

So, What to blog about?

In 2009 I completed a writtng course with the open university. I thoroughly enjoyed it and have wanted to carry on.

for my last assignment, I had to write the first chapter of a longer work that includes some use of time-shift and dialogue…….

Here’s my entry.

In the Shadows

by Jomakessix

I had been summoned to watch her, to infiltrate her life.

They had hired me.

I call them they, because in my ten years of employment I had never been given another name to call them by. They knew I could get their information with quiet ease, never questioning my methods and always pleased with my results.

I too had been watched ten years earlier. It had been noted that I could make myself melt into backgrounds and disappear with no unwanted attention.

They had pushed a handwritten note under my door, informing me of their surveillance, that they were impressed with my skills and would like to meet in person to discuss employment. It appealed greatly. After such a long time of hiding and catering only for my own needs the challenge excited me. They offered to pay handsomely, which tempted me. I was tired of my talents serving only my own ends. There was one catch.  If I refused their offer, my skills would be revealed to all.

The meeting place always changed. This time it was in the market square at dawn. The stall holders all sang their songs; calling the interest of the local tradesmen, the restaurant owners who had come early to catch the best deals of the day. The smell of fresh fish, flowers and fruit and veg’ hung on the early morning mist. No doubt this would pull more custom in later, when tradesmen were replaced by wives and mothers.

I watched from the shadows and I waited.

A light footed man walked towards me, oblivious to the noise and deals going on around him. His long dark hair blew behind him, the mist forming minute droplets in the long strands. His stride confident, never faltering.

As he came closer, his striking features came into view. His dark brown eyes, creased with concentration, focused on my position. His sharp angular nose suited his sculpted chin, encased in olive skin not native to here. He belonged on a beach not an early morning market.

He spoke authoratively as he joined me. “Good Morning, Solomon”

“Tobias”

He nodded politely, ushering me towards the alley which led to the back of the market. We walked in silence; polite conversation was not needed here. At the precise moment we stepped out onto the street, a black Mercedes with blacked out windows stopped in front of us. The back passenger door opened and Tobias gestured for me to go in.

The inside of the car was custom made, cream leather with silky black stitching and extra seating behind the driver facing towards the back seats. Tobias gestured once more for me to take this seat as he flanked the occupant on the back seat.

‘Ah Solomon I finally get to meet the man whose work is completed in such style and with outstanding results”

He spoke in a subtle tone, which held such gravitas. A slim face framed my deep seated eyes and pursed mouth. Those dark eyes never left me. He had a regal look not of this time, the stature of great kings from times gone by. A smile broke through his thin lips.

‘May I introduce myself? I’m Nathaniel”

This is not our usual way of conducting business, Nathaniel.”

“This is no usual business Solomon. You have more than proved yourself, so now I have a rather important job for you to do. We have been watching a rather special young lady for a while now and believe she has something of great importance to us.”

Nathaniel went on with the details. Her Name was Ava. He informed me of where she lived, a detailed list of what she did and when. He told me she held the key to an ancient secret and it would be my job to find it and bring it back to them. Nathaniel could give me no real detail of what I was looking for-and I was not to disturb or take anything- I was to memorise everything. This wasn’t a problem, I’ve been blessed with a photographic memory, able to recall the tiniest detail from the oldest memories. If necessary, I was to infiltrate her life to gain her trust. I would communicate with Nathaniel directly, and he would come to me. I questioned how I would know what I was looking for

” That’s the beauty of it my dear Solomon, you will not. But we will, from the information you supply.”

A sneer escaped Nathaniel’s lips.

When I asked about my payment, Nathaniel replied that, if I succeeded, I would never have to work again. Ever. With that the car came to a gentle stop outside Ava’s residence.

“Good luck Solomon. I will be in touch. ” The tone behind the way he said will had an sharp edge any sword would envy. ” I will send Tobias to collect you.”The Mercedes glided away from the pavement  and left me to survey the property.

Hidden from view, I watched for an hour or two, taking in every door and window. Nathaniel had told me which room was hers. The house was built in the new England style, its boards painted white. Sat in its own grounds, surrounded by a tall brick wall, front security gate, and intercom.

I quickly stepped out onto the pavement in front of the house, walked alongside the wall as far away from the house as possible and checked my surroundings. No one was aware of my presence. With an effortless leap, I was over the wall and hidden in the garden.

I stayed close to the wall, creeping closer to the back of the house. I listened. Her room was empty. I could hear the whir of a computer, the swish of the organza  that rippled in the breeze. But no human. The room had no life in it. After three centuries of sharpened hearing, I trusted my senses and made the short dash across the lavish garden. In one easy jump I was up on her second story balcony. With such speed, I knew I would go unnoticed.

I entered  her room through the French doors as the mid day sun filled the room. The light caught on a full length silver mirror. The sun shimmered against its surface, making the curve of the metal frame appear like liquid. The opposite wall was dedicated to book shelves, filled deep with every imaginable genre of classic and modern literature. Amongst these were many ancient historical and mythological tomes. My photographic memory now came into its own, taking in every title, spine, cover and storing it in my own mental photo album – ready to be opened and viewed at my own will.

A hand crafted dressing table dominated its space in front of a matching ornate wooden double bed, dressed in delicate silk matching the colour of the sky outside. As I had heard from outside, an ultra stylish laptop slept until its user was ready to go again without having to reboot. In a group of photos, one really stood out. Dressed in a jade evening gown was the most elegant woman with a simmering smile  and amazing green eyes.

On the other side of the table, a large intricately carved wooden keepsake box cast a shadow over the table. I couldn’t resist feeling my way around it, my fingers tracing the tiny dragons  carved along the edges of the box, guarding its secrets. A thick gold band ran aside the edges of the lid of the box, binding them together with a gold padlock. The orchid on the lid was so detailed; you might have been convinced it was once a real flower that, with time, had slowly turned to wood.

The fitted walk in wardrobes were made with such skilled craftsmanship that one could have mistaken them for the wall, had one not opened its door to invite me in. The stunning jade gown from the photograph floated from its hanger, waiting to be filled again. Alongside so many others, I doubted it would ever be worn again. A breeze rushed through the translucent jade silk and filled the air with the scent of burning leaves with a sweet undertone of liquorice. I closed my eyes and let my senses take over, as if she had walked straight past me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and a distant memory stirred deep in my mind. Taken back to a place long ago. I lost my focus, immersed in her scent. I had to regain my composure, after all there was a job to do.

Regaining my composure, I looked a the lap top, to see what she had last been doing, but the wooden box called to me with its aura of intrigue. The lock wouldn’t be an issue, but I had my instructions. I wasn’t allowed to take anything or disturb it; no one was to know there had been anyone in the room. I moved over to the laptop and tapped the touchpad. It whirred and clicked back to life. The page displayed a group of symbols I had never seen before, my photographic memory did the rest.

Then footsteps. A little distance away, but heading in this direction. I put the laptop back to sleep  and stepped out onto the balcony. A quick survey told me my way was clear. One silent leap and I was hidden once again in the great garden.

So there you have it, the first chapter of my book. Love to hear any thoughts you may have!! Thank you Jo x

Note;

All written content property of the author Joanne Piper. All rights belong to Joanne Piper.

No part of this material may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Copyright Joanne Piper 2015

 Les Miserables and a day In London..Thats one tick on the bucket list!

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The time is 6.30 am and we’re on the rd again.,

Back to the big smoke and this time not to see a band ( well that’s a first!)

This is my mothers day present; thanks kids and Mr6 as I expect he’s the one who bought the tickets! If it was the kids then I’m paying them too much pocket money.

 We are off to spend the day at the Tower of London then off to see Les Miserables at the Queens theatre. I’m a relatively new fan to Les Mis.; yes I am one of those who latched on to the phenomenon after watching Hugh Jackman  and Russel Crowe in the film adaptation. So no I’m not a purist but no less a fan! I’ve watched the films countless times and know it word for word. Fallen in love with Jean Valjean , Javert and,go on then, Maurice too! Cried with every death, felt my heart swell and spirit soar with the voices of angry men singing for their revolution!

The road trip up is slow and we arrive at Hammersmith at 10.30 am. We’ve decided to vist the Tower as for all the time I lived in and around London it was one place I never visited.

We travel to The Tower easily enough.  I should say now I’m on crutches after a knee operation! Being slow in London is never wise right! People move so fast, the last thing they want to encounter is a country bumpkin on crutches.

I was blown away by the presence of The Tower,  as stupid as it sounds I NEVER EXPECTED it to be so big. You see the iconic white tower all the time in the media but I guess you fit the rest in in one clean shot.

Now you might have spotted the fatal flaw in our plan….. The Tower and surrounding castle rooms HAVE A LOT OF STEPS!!!!!!! Genius! You know what though, we were having such a wonderful day together we saw the funny side and decided it was extreme physio. The bit that annoyed me the most was the bloody noise the crutches made on the floor with every step! It was like being stalked by Long John bloody Silver .

We explored every room , soaked in all the history our brains would allow and had a a fabulous on site lunch of venison! Well when in the presence of kings and queens you might as well eat as one!

We head up to the centre of London  to meet a good friend who works for the BBC. We meet for a quick cuppa.  It’s fun to see the news room from the TV in full swing behind you whilst you sup on a nice cup of tea! 

Back into the throng we go.. we have an hour till curtains up and we’re starving. Luckily right opposite the theatre is an all you can eat chinease buffet! perfect! Think I must’ve been rather excited cause I couldn’t manage the one plate.

It’s  time!

The theatre is heaving, not a free seat in the house.  We’re up in the gods, again more bloody stairs!! We planned this really well! So with a hobble and a hop we make it to the top and take our seats!

Mr6 disappears and comes back with a bag of goodies! Les Mis T shirt, latte mug, programs and M&Ms!  The man did good! 

From the second the curtain went up I was hooked – each scene played out to perfection. I laughed at the landlord, cried with Eponine and my heart did echo the beat of angry drums with the young men of the revolution! The battle scene at the baricade is astounding and so well choreographed.
Now being in the gods, I let my imagination run free and of course the actors on stage are magnificent…in my head I’m watching Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe Et Al! I get so involved I think I could fling my self over the edge whilst shouting Vive La France!!!

Then the end… It’s over… I’m crying,… The audience is crying…most are on the their feet (frankly I’m quite cross that everyone wasn’t! Outrage!)
I’m done, emotionally drained.
And already begging MR6 for yearly tickets!

We make our way through busy London night. We chuckle as we expect it to be dead as its past 10pm and then remember we’re not back home and Londoners have a later bed time than the rest of us!

Back to the car and ready for the long drive home..

3.30 am back home in bed, tired but not enough for it to dampen the day.
Thank you Mr6 for the best day I’ve had in a little while. It’s great to remind ourselves we are a couple in a loving relationship who need quality time together. It helps you remember who you fell in love with.

We’ve made a little animato for you too! 

Our day in pictures 

See you soon

Jo

I’m in pain … Or am I a pain?

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Good afternoon.
The sun is shining, I’m lying on my sofa basking in its rays, letting the heat soothe my muscles and aching bones.
Most days I could do this, well in fact every day I could do this.
I have a condition, a problem a pain in the arse, neck, legs, back, arms, hands, knees, head. I think you get the picture.
Many of you know about my condition, let’s give its proper name Fibromyalgia. Stupid name. Stupid condition.

I take medication for my condition, but they don’t always do what I want them to do.
When I’m on the maximum it steals my brain! The robbing bastard I hear you cry! They take the skill of talking away. Those formative early years of learning new words feel like they never happened!
The drugs leave me a little confused. More than what is the norm for me anyway. Fibromyalgia comes with its own “fibro fog” as suffers and Drs have given its adopted name for one of its shitty symptoms. As if the every day muscle migraines, stiff legs, aching hands etc etc weren’t enough.

So when I get ill, I feel I’m already a long way from normal ill. Cause I’m ill ALL THE TIME. Fibro never goes. If I stayed in bed and rested to get better I would never get up.
Sometimes I wish I could pass my fibro on, like a cold, do my stint then generously pass it on to the next victim!

Now that sounds a bit cruel I know. But I’ve had my turn. I’ve had enough. I promise to nurse the person to take it from me.

But it’s mine forever. I get to keep it all to myself.

I would like people to experience the feeling of Fibromyalgia. Just so they could understand just for an hour what it feels like to me and millions of others out there who struggle on every day.

I’ve been trying to wean off my pain blockers, to try and re gain ownership of my brain, thoughts and words!
It’s not going well.
I’m having some weird nerve reaction to it. My body doesn’t seem to be taking it to kindly! I’m not going to bore you with symptoms. Let’s just say Its shit, seems fair!

I’ve had the dose put back up.

So back to my point, see I’ve lost my train of thought. Forgotten where I was going with this……….

Yep that’s it.
I’m a pain. That’s how it feels. A pain that my wonderful husband is practically my carer along side his very demanding full time job.
I’m a pain to the kids when I’m grouchy or a day has to be cancelled cause it’s too much that day.
They are desperate to go swimming, but if the water is too cold I’m done for!

I don’t want sympathy.
What I do want is an awareness that many people all though looking fit n well on the outside, are in a lot of pain and may need support sometimes but don’t like to ask for the fear of their pain becoming a pain.
I’m very lucky to have a supportive family and friends surrounding me. My wonderful husband will rub my legs till they settle and I can sleep. My mum will look after me and the kids at a moments notice. And great friends who will take my kiddies to and from school again at he drop of the hat.
I thank them all. X

I hope this made sense and the word thingys are in the right order!

Much love to you all.
I promise a happier post next time!

The Photo is of me on a bad pain day. See I look normal! Ish!

I can’t sleep.

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Hello. HEELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*shouts into the dark abyss.
Is anyone still there?

It’s me, Jo, six, Rose, choose a persona,I answer to all.
It’s been a while. I feel like we’re on a first date. I’m nervous, feeling awkward and talking to my feet.

One minute I was writing a blog, being suitably addicted to twitter, when I had this (some May say stupid) idea of starting my own business. The blog was abandoned.

But I’m back.
Will you have me back?
See I can’t sleep.
I’ve been thinking about writing again, I miss you, our interaction, and watching my brain splurge all over the page.

I’ve been kept awake by many things lately, and I’ve found myself muttering the beginnings of blogs, titles, funny little openers. So maybe it’s time to pick up the virtual pen again.
Maybe it’ll help me sleep? Most likely it’s going to give me something to do whilst I try and sleep.

Here’s to new beginnings.
Love as always Jo
*tries to remover how to post this damn thing?! X

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I like hot Vampires so bite me!

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Hey, how are we doing? Me? Yeah, I’m good. Well Actually I’ve been a bit up and down, blue you might say. No don’t go; this isn’t going where you think it is!

See when im feeling a bit discombobulated and yearning for an unknown something, I turn to Vampires to perk me up, to shift my discombulations back into place.

Today was such a day; a mountain of ironing faced me, my Fibro is bad and I’m feeling defunked.
I put a DVD on to help kill the monotony and perk my mood.
My screen is filled with a familiar green/blue hue.  There’s a score that tingles down my spine and an increase in my heartbeat.

Yeah I’m watching the first (and my favourite) Twilight. NO WAIT – DONT GO! IM NOT JUST A TWILIGHT FAN. I’M A VAMPIRE FAN!

Now, I’ve been a fan of vampires ever since my first cinematic experience watching the film adaptation of Anne Rice’s Interview With A Vampire. This when I first realised Vampires had an allure I hadn’t seen before. Now I never fancied Tom Cruise, but now found my self drawn and attracted to his character Lestat. Now we can’t ignore Brad Pitt is in this movie, but the appeal wasn’t there as much. Yes, he looked hot, but Lestat had the edginess and was the more believable, ruthless killer. Isn’t that what a Vampire is meant to be?
When in my first (and final year) of English literature A level, we had to study Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which just so happened to coincide with the movie release of the new film version starring Gary Oldman.

I wasn’t the avid reader that I am now, so this was great. I could see the movie and skim the book! I could not see the appeal of Dracula, this old dude luring young ladies, ewwww its all a bit grim. But then I saw the film. SMITTEN! My heart pounded as Dracula took to the streets of London and seduced the young Mina. His voice casting a spell of its own, the way he moved, touched her gently but with so much passion. Needles to say, I went home and read that book with new hunger and savoured every word.

This is where I met the Vampire love triangle. Love triangles and vampires seem to go hand in hand. The delicate mortal torn between her human love interest and her immortal, with all the temptation he can bring.
So what makes the vampire so tempting. What has made the vampire genre so popular, with a firm place in our beating hearts and ingrained into our psyche. Why do we love them so much?

Ok we don’t have to think to hard! Lets state the obvious.  They are usually hotter than a hot day in the desert!
Most girls want to be wanted by one, and boys want to be like them. I think if you look a little into that dark spot in your brain, you will agree.
As a woman now in my thirties, I now have to train hard to keep my figure in check. I would love some hot unbreakable dude to offer me immortality at 19.  The lure of eternal youth, a flat stomach, pert boobs and never having to worry about how much cake and booze I had stuffed in my face over the weekend is one I could not resist.
I’m being blatantly honest here, I’m vain and aging scares me. So the appeal of someone being able to stop that is tangible.
Now we need to mention here that I want bad ass vampires; ones that would rip the neck out of any one that wronged you in a heartbeat.  None of this I’m going vegetarian rubbish! I don’t buy it! That’s what they are. The whole horror of it.  That’s the thrill of being chosen by one; that you’re the one they’ve decided to protect. Give me bad ass on the outside whilst worshipping you like a Goddess on the inside.
Now, we all know my love of Edward Cullen, so I’m not being a hypocrite here. Yes I wish he was a bit more bad, displayed a little more of his vampire side, eaten some of the Forks students at lunch time, whilst still looking deep and pained in the canteen! Edward Cullen doesn’t embrace his vampire side.  He wants to turn it off for Bella. That’s not to say though I don’t love him completely and would offer my neck up in an undead heartbeat! And yeah, I  bloody love it when he sparkles!

Edward Cullen

PSST! That bit in Twilight when he tries to see how strong he can be, and only kisses her… BALLS! They so would have done! Never bought that bit, but the books and films would have been a lot shorter!
I asked Twitter its opinion on vampires, who was their fave and why. I got so many varied answers. Some I’d never heard of, some old classics.  Vincent Price’s Dracula still chills me to the bone. The Lost Boys headed up by Kieffer Sutherland’s David, and Buffy’s Spike among so many others. I tweeted “not many takers for Twilight then”  and one of my favourite quotes of the night came from @foreverFiesty:   ” The BOOKS made me fall in love with the character; Rpatz just added to the lust!”
Sums Twilight up perfectly. We fell in love with him, his blood lust, then love for her. We wanted to be her. I wanted that relationship! Who wouldn’t have wanted that to happen to them at high school! It’s the ultimate fantasy. And again we see the love triangle take main stage, only this time with the toned torso that is the 108 degree hot werewolf! Jesus! I should have been more clumsy at school! How many hotties fawning over her does she want?!

Edward’s not my perfect vampire – but he’s in my top three! Oh yeah, I keep a list! Don’t you??!!

*puts on best radio voice* in at number two is ……….

Damon Salvatore.
You may know him from The TV series The Vampire Diaries, adapted from a book series by L.J SMITH.
Why is he my number two? Simple. He’s volatile, still firstly and foremost a Vampire. YES, he’s smoking hot and knows it! He embraces his immortality.  Damon uses his sexual allure to his advantage, uses his vampire powers to get what he wants and not always for the right reasons. Damon’s got THAT edge, still thirsts for blood and is quite happy about it! He’s still ripping out the throats of those who piss him off. He’s still dangerous and that’s thrilling and is what a vampire should do!
And then, there is that side of him that will release the inner goddess most of us fail to see that we have buried deep inside us.Damon Salvatore Wallpaper

*radio voice again*
SO AT NUMBER THREE IS SUPER SULTRY,SUPER SEXY, DONT WORRY I DONT BITE;

EDWARD CULLEN

IN AT UMBER TWO IS WHISKEY DRINKING, LEATHER CLAD, “RIP THE THROAT OUT” GODDESS LOVER DAMON SALVATORE

SO, IN AT THE TOP SPOT, JOMAKESIXES NUMBER ONE COLD ONE IS………………………..

TRUE BLOOD’S VERY OWN VIKING BAD BOY

ERIC NORTHMAN!

To me, he is everything a vampire should be. He’s smokin hot and not afraid to rip apart any human or vampire that makes the ill judgment of crossing him. Eric is  intelligent, has a voice as smooth as honey but with a quiet dark undertone  that leaves you trembling (not sure from fear or lust, probably both). And he has FANGS! Something that my other top two neglect to have.
Again we come back to the lust thing. You know that man is gonna be good. Hey, vampires have stamina, strength, speed, and hundreds of years experience. Let’s face it; who’s not going to want that?!
Eric would protect you, fight your corner, taking us back to an age of knights and maidens. I feel its instilled in us, all the feminists out there are probably raging right now and they’d have a point, but this  is what I want from my VAMPIRE!

Eric Northman

Eric Northman (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So what have we concluded?
I wanted this blog to be all big and clever, harking back to eastern European legends, comparing great Victorian horror literature and singing its dark praises. But this blog took a life of its own, and I think you get a glimpse into my psyche.

You’ve seen my fear, first hand, of aging.

The want for every woman to embrace her inner Goddess and enjoy her.

So who’s your Vampire?

Do you love or hate them?

Completely disagree with my romanticised views? Let me know!

Thank you for all the twitter input.  I’m sorry I didn’t get to add all your thoughts and tweets, but then this would be an essay!

Blank Canvas by Edward Ian Kendrick A review

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Blank Canvas by Edward Ian Kendrick

A little while ago, I was given the privilege of being asked to take a look at a book a twitter friend of mine EDDSNOTDEAD  had written. To give some feed back, thoughts ect. yeah, I thought, why not. I’m a keen but rather inactive writer, it’ll be good to see what other people have written, and I have a genuine interest in EDS work.

Email comes through.

I start to read. Now I had been given a rough synopsis, but was really going in blind.
MAN! THIS IS BLOODY GOOD, ITS LIKE A PROPER BOOK, YOU KNOW A CLEVER ONE, WITH PLOT AND EVERYTHING!

Now please don’t think im patronising, I’m not! I just wanted to give you my real reaction. I didn’t know what to really expect, and Blank Canvas blew me away.

To be honest, I was completely pulled in from the start, a pacy intro, an instant empathy with the books lead Gita. Set in Earth’s future with a new religion and population hitting crisis point. We join Our lead on an epic journey housed on the giant colony vessel ‘The Buckingham’  with its five hundred thousand sleeping inhabitants to new planets to create new settlements.
Following a malfunction (which is done in the most unexpected way)  the crew leave for a repair ship, choosing Gita, (the ships artist) a new role as the vessel’s lone care taker.
We follow Gita and her long isolation as she paints, cares for the ship’s sleeping passengers and deals with her isolation, missing her fellow crew and daily interaction.The way Edward overcomes this isolation and interaction is ingenious, clever and even witty. Yes I’m very jealous! xxx

Gita has some futuristic yet very believable aids to help her cope with her solitary journey, all I can say is, I WANT A SLEEPING DUMMY!Edward tackles  the sexual needs of Gita with a real mix of eroticism and sensualism any author would be proud of.

Don’t be fooled; Yes Gita is predominantly alone but this book reveals many interesting characters who Gita interacts with in her own unique way. Plenty of back story, the reader is thrown deep in Gita’s life, and get a comprehensive understanding of her psyche.
Gita very quickly became a part of my life.
So well written and so very visual, Blank Canvas is a believable, thought-provoking, must have read.

Id love to write more, but am in fear of too many spoilers, as I would love you to enjoy this book as much as I did. It’s a real welcome addition to the science fiction genre.

Blank Canvas is avaliable on Kindle in the amazon store, dont forget you can get the kindle app for the ipad

DOWNLOAD IT HERE

Thanks for reading.

Love as always Jo xxx

 

 

Reunion; The class of 1988-1993

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year 11 leavers pic class of 88-93It was Christmas, the cocktails were flowing between a group of four friends, two of which went to school together, and always remained friends.

On our probably tenth trip to the ladies, oh  come on give me a break! FOUR KIDS AND LOTS OF COCKTAILS OK!! We spy a familiar face, a fellow school friend in a similar state to us! Chat goes back to school as it inevitably would, then those fateful words are uttered…ITS 20 YEARS SINCE WE LEFT, WOULDNT IT BE GREAT TO HAVE A REUNION!

Now, none of the three of us are taking responsibility for utterance of the words, but there it was, out there in the ether.

Christmas is done, my friend and I meet for a regular coffee and chat session, the word REUNION hangs in the air, flashing its school disco balls in our faces until we can ignore it no more!

So there it was decided, it had fallen upon us to put this reunion together. That night was brilliant, trying to put names to faces on our leaving school year photo. And with much help from the book of face, we start putting a list together and numerous friend requests to old school friends. Yes we stalked your friends pages to try to complete the year!

slowly the requests came back, some with ‘thank you, but who are you?!’ my friend being unrecognisable from our school days.

We then put it out there, who fancied it? to our surprise quite a few thought it was a great idea and a venue was sourced, date suggested and booked. No turning back now, we were doing this!

WHAT! THIS WASNT MEANT TO HAPPEN, OH GOD, IVE GOT TO DO THIS, BASTARD COCKTAILS!

We drag another friend in, to help us with decoration, and moral support, and an amazing job she did as well.

Then, the week before arrives a lot damn quicker than it was meant too!

Shopping, that’s what was needed! Besty and I head for the shops new dresses are needed. Simple objective, they’ve got to be understated, classy and killer! You know what im talking about!! If we’re doing this im going in looking fab! isn’t it one of the biggest fear of these things that people’s first thought is, man you didn’t age well! well for me any ways, self-esteem at school wasnt my best point, I had major body image issues, the beginnings of an eating disorder and emotional issues most counselors would have had a field day with.

School wasnt easy, for Fuck sake I was ginger, big boobed and buck teeth. I was a walking target!

Now don’t get me wrong, most of my fellow school mates never gave me grief, yes the bullies did, name calling really nothing worse, but at 14 that’s killer and can make your like a misery.

The boys teased me about my boobs, and I would try to keep them inconspicuous! that’s untill the last year, when confidence grew and finally saw them as an asset! 😉 strong friendships were formed and I  finally started to feel a little comfortable with my self, but still the over-riding feeling of awkward swallowed everything else up.

The morning of the Reunion arrives. I wake at 5.30am like a scene out of a horror movie when the lead is brought back from the dead!

Massive gasp of breath, and panic consumes my whole body, heart races, stomach churns, I CANT DO THIS!

NO ONE WILL LIKE ME, DID THEY EVER LIKE ME, IS MY DRESS RIGHT, NO ONE WILL LIKE ME, NO ONE WILL TURN UP, WORSE THEY TURN UP AND BUGGER OFF, AHHHHHHHHHHH!

FUCKING BASTARD COCKTAILS!

I turn to twitter, ( you knew they had to fit in somewhere right!) I tell them my fears, see people on Twitter don’t have to comment and help, it has no impact on their lives, but they do. one lady in particular (MARY) gave such words of confidence and reassurance, it boosted my step. I kept her words with me as I walked in that night and held my head high. The rest of twitter offered to hold my hand all night, I’m glad they did!

Besty and I meet to get our wrinkles filled with super strength polyfiller    make up done, then quick change and away we go.

We get there early as my wonderful husband borrowed a school disco sound system and had spent the past three nights solidly putting together a 6 hour playlist filled with tracks from 88-93. I’m panicking again ,what if it fails, what if they hate the music.. this is too much! he gets it going, the place is superbly decorated in our school colours and we watch the clock hit 7.30…………………………………….

we wait..

Then slowly, they start to arrive. All faces I instantly recognise and the hugging and girly little wails of delight start!!

Now our hometown is a small place and some have remained, two made me giggle as thy gave each other a huge man hug and declared loudly ‘ MAN IVE NOT SEEN YOU SINCE THE CO-OP THIS AFTERNOON’

Brilliance, the humour is flowing, more people arrive it was wonderful to watch old groups of friends regroup into their old circles and immediately revert back twenty years and acting like over grown teenagers! Just no one having to use siblings fake ID this time!

Everyone was so friendly, no hostility in the room at all. reminiscing flows, stories shared. one guy I went to primary school with as well enjoyed telling my hubby how at the age of 6 or 7 I would pinch his bum, then playfully hit him round the face!!! Good to see I’ve not changed much!

Girls I  was nervous of seeing, came up and hugged and delighted in the chance of catching up, I was gob smacked to be honest. I thought I wasnt that liked,  (I never wanted to be an it girl, way too much pressure) but to find out  you were thought of nicely and a good friend put a lot of demons to rest for me. I was the archetype angst ridden teenager, who’s thoughts were deep and took myself way to seriously!!

I was relieved to hear throughout the night, that nearly everyone had felt the same way, some had hidden in the bar downstairs and downed some dutch courage whilst they deliberated the choice to come upstairs and meet us all, I’m so glad they did.To watch people’s faces light up when special people from their school days turned up was worth every moment of stress.

Amazing we make it to the end of the night, then the best thing, some of the local guys are sorting taxis to take everybody down to the only club in town, lets keep this party going! I was chuffed to bits they stayed the whole night! so who was i to say no! and the night carried on, more drinks flowed, we stuck to a sticky floor, as the laughs never stopped, memories shared and all that was missing was getting mates to ask each other out!!! we could have been at he school disco 20 years ago, just a little more booze that’s all, and a lot less snogging in the toilets!!! x

So yeah, It was fantastic, I’ve got to congratulate my best friend Sue on her

tireless hard work and for wearing those kitten heels!! Julie you did an amazing job with the decorations and everyone else, YOU made the night what it was. Same time next year??!!!! xxxx

Class of 88-93 twenty years ongreat friends

 

So readers, have you got a reunion story to tell, do you fear them like i did! Tell Jo! xx

Much love as always Jo xxx